Transitional Grief

Change is Loss and Loss Requires Grief, then it logically follows that change requires grief.

The dictionary defines grief as “intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.”

Grief is most often and naturally associated with death, so much so that the Oxford Dictionary even defines grief with a reference to it.

However, any loss we experience, big or small, is a cause for grief.

Change is one of the only real constants in life.

Unfortunately, change is also critical to our continued happiness as humans.

Change means unknowns. Change means having to relearn something. Change requires you to face the reality that you’re not in control.

And change often makes us face things within ourselves that we could conveniently avoid when things were status quo.

Even if we can’t bring ourselves to embrace change, we should try not to avoid it at all costs.

Change by its very nature is multi- faceted in its effect.

It is usual to experience a wide range of feelings before, during and after a change occurs.

And the challenge with change is that we are confronted by what we stand to lose.

The comforts, the attachments and parts of ourselves and our lives that we think we will have to give up.

Change is hard.

I recently moved to another city and state, and I was surprised by the mix of emotions which came with this.

I was happy that I was on a new journey and getting to be part of a new place where there were opportunities for me.

I was surprised though by how sad I felt and still feel, that this change meant I wouldn’t be able to drop by to see family or catch up in a familiar café with friends.

Change is sadness

How is it possible that I feel sad about something which I am also so happy to experience?

The sadness for me is about what I have had to let of go to make room for something new.

Some of my feelings came with an extra dose of guilt because they are feelings that are different from what I feel I should feel or contrast with the feelings experienced by those around me.

Change is scary.

Starting a new job, losing a job, moving to another city, moving into a new house, losing a treasured item, downsizing your life, relationships starting and ending are just a few of the changes which are likely to occur in life.

For me, I have faced all of them just in this year.

I have also found that change can also bring about the feelings of discomfort of ‘wearing in’ a new setting, which in the immediate future does not feel as comfortable or familiar as whatever came before.

Ultimately, change is about learning to grieve.

It might be the grief about long held values which you’ve not been living, and which only emerges when you re-align yourself.

Or the delight which comes when you’ve finally found a way to live in a more intentional way.

There's no way around grief; you must go through it to come out of it.

Change can bring with it a storm of thoughts and emotions which need compassionate attention.

It’s important to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings which come with change.

To show them acceptance as important messages about your current experience and to process them.

The feelings I have don’t need to be ‘fixed’ and certainly not ignored.

If the feeling is too overwhelming, I acknowledge it and decide how I will pay attention to it when I am more able to do so.

They are strong feelings which won’t just go away.

I acknowledge the sadness by feeling it, naming it and telling someone I trust how I am feeling and that it was something important to me.

I have learned to take time to recognize my loss and the way this change affects me.

I also took time to acknowledge just how important these relationships are and to think about ways I can let my family and close friends know this and to find creative ways I can continue to be connected.

Acknowledge and honor what is ending; express the grief and give others the opportunity to do likewise.

Identify what is in the neutral zone and is being carried forward.

And celebrate the new beginnings.

All three are important to completing the transition successfully.