“The worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.” - The Joker
This is a line that Arthur, the main character in the movie the Joker wrote down in his journal, as he tried to hide his mental illness and it really spoke to me. Because for me, it is true. No one wants to talk about mental illness. They want to ignore it and hope it goes away.
I have found that the only way to change things is to speak up about them, not matter how dark and uncomfortable. As the saying goes, there is no growth in the comfort zone.
Some of the most common mental health disorders found in chemically dependent people include mood- and anxiety disorders. An even higher percentage of people with severe mental illness also have co-occurring substance use disorders. Called severe because of the severity and length of episodes of illness, these mental health disorders include schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder.
While there are many mental health issues that people suffer from, I am going to focus and speak from my experience with having bipolar disorder in conjunction with being a career alcoholic.
Bipolar Disorders are described by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as a group of brain disorders that cause extreme fluctuation in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function.
Bipolar disorders is a category that includes three different condition–bipolar I, bipolar II, and cyclothymic disorder.
Bipolar I disorder is a manic-depressive disorder that can exist both with and without psychotic episodes
Bipolar II disorder consists of depressive and manic episodes which alternate and are typically less severe and do not inhibit function
Cyclothymic disorder is a cyclic disorder that causes brief episodes of hypomania and depression
People who live with bipolar disorder experience periods of great excitement, overactivity, delusions, and euphoria (known as mania) and other periods of feeling sad and hopeless (known as depression). As such, the use of the word bipolar reflects this fluctuation between extreme highs and extreme lows.
I was diagnosed and am being treated for bipolar II disorder, that is rapid cycling, where I experience multiple “highs” and “lows” throughout the course of a day or episode, some of which can last weeks.
When I am asked to speak on the topic of my mental illness, the analogy I most often use is to compare it to the fictional Batman Character Harvey Dent, AKA Two-Face.
Harvey Den, obsessively makes all important decisions by flipping his former lucky charm, a two-headed coin, which was damaged on one side by acid, like he was in the comics.
A strange comic book fact is that Dent was actually bipolar, who knew!.
Anyway, Mr. Dent has had lifelong struggle with free will (bipolar) and his eventual inability to make choices on his own (alcoholism), relies on the coin to make all of his decisions.
Then “Life” intervened, much like Batman and showed me the chaos and destruction of my life and what needed to change.
Like Mr. Dent, I too have a coin, that coin is my program of recovery.
On one side, I have a stable emotional state and strong spiritual condition. On the other, I am emotionally unstable and unable to make adult decisions without major consequences. Thus it is a daily decision on which side of the coin I choose to follow.
The best part of bipolar, if there is such a thing, is the hypomania.
I’m my most energized and optimistic during this periods, so I’m doing as much as possible to capitalize on it. Creative or destructive, I’m up for anything. It certainly doesn't make me a Robin Williams or Adam Ant, and yes I realized I just dated myself here, but I often think “What a great time to build something new!”
During a hypomanic episode, I feel like I am on top of the world. My self-worth skyrockets. I wake up ready to go, even if I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I don’t really need that much sleep, so I just go and go and do so much. I get everything done on my to-do list, and more. I have also come to fear this feeling.
The dark side of the hypomania is the rapid cycling I experience. feels like your mind is seriously fucking with you. You are sad one minute, hyper the next, angry, and then back to sad, teary, and wanting to hide.
Your brain feels slow and fuzzy, where holding a thought or remembering things is almost impossible. It’s very confusing and it’s scary how fast my mood can change and change and change. It is one of the most frustrating parts of having bipolar disorder.
My hypomania also resulted in a lot of agitation & irritability. In which I lose empathy and am more prone to drug relapse.
This is when I would go out more, spend a lot money, and drink to excess or more excessively then my normal excess. It makes me feel invincible.
Without the highs of mania, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the lows of depression. However, when the mania burns out, there is the ledge you drop off of when you come down.
Depending on the drop, it can put me in the bed for days. Making it hard for me to maintain a relationship, friendship, or even work.
When I’m depressed, I do not want to be left alone, I have to be. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything.
No matter what it is — work, hanging out with friends, exercise — I don’t enjoy things because the smallest details annoy me. I turn into this grumpy old man.
When I think about the future, I don’t like what I see. I can only envision more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns.
It’s like no matter what I do, it feels like people are telling me I’m doing something wrong. So the easiest way to feel better is to hide.
At times I'm afraid of my own brain. I hyper analyze every mood and feeling, worried that I may be sliding into yet another episode of mania or bone crushing depression.
Mixed episodes are a special kind of hell where depression and mania are happening at the same time.
They're terrifying and they're dangerous (suicide risk is highest during mixed episodes because you've got suicidal thoughts and you've got the energy to act on them).
I used to get really bad mixed episodes and I didn't know what was going on — I didn't know mixed episodes were a thing so I just assumed I was losing my mind. I thought I was uniquely fucked up and defective and undeserving of help, and if I'd known about mixed episodes I would've felt less isolated and desperately alone."
It sucks. I feel like so much of my life's potential has been eaten up by the alternating bouts of depression, mania, and the guilt and shame I felt (and still feel) when I do have clarity. I lost my job, marriages, and very nearly lost my life to bipolar disorder and addiction.
I’ve contemplated suicide and have attempted it once before.
But the more I understand the problem, the more I know that the depression is temporary and I don’t always think clearly during it. That self-reminder helps me from doing anything stupid.
Then there are the emotions I felt once I was diagnosed.
The realization that I have a mental health illness and that I will have it for the rest of my life has lead to a multitude of negative and positive feelings.
Fear and Anxiety: I certainly wondered if I will ever get better or be able to lead a productive life. I feared being judged differently, stigmatized and ridiculed, or even rejected. These feelings can come from lack of education and/or from the opinions of loved ones and friends.
Lack of Self Worth: Many people perceive people who live with a mental health disorder to be weak minded (this is not true I must add). I have found in various peer groups and therapy that many including myself can feel less of a person, we are all of a sudden pushed into the minority in society (it is estimated in the US that almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime).
Anger and Resentment: It is very natural to feel angry; I felt that it wasn't fair that this has happened to me, especially on top of being addicted to drugs and alcohol. I most definitely felt angry with myself, at the situation or even to some extent the very people that were there to help me. This also lead to its fair share of resentment.
Denial: The prospect of living with a mental health disorder can be very overwhelming, fear anxiety and all of the feelings I have listed above can take over and led to denial. In addition to this, I found it difficult to accept that the way I see and feel things were going to change once I started medication. I have had to learn how to cope with life's challenges all over again. This was hard to do, considering that I had been living undiagnosed for years.
Many people find it hard to trust the person who diagnosed them; they question their diagnosis and can convince themselves that they do not have a mental health disorder at all. However, with time I have come to accept that I have a mental health illness and that is half the battle and allowed me to be open to receiving the correct treatment.
Relief: On the flip side I was relieved once I received my diagnosis as I realized that: There is help out there and I don’t have to suffer in silence anymore, I have a disorder that is beyond my control, I was not weak, stupid or less of a human being, in fact quite the opposite as I have lived with and survived most of my life while battling the unknown.
Strength: With my diagnosis, my struggle to maintain sobriety made sense for the first time. It brought clarity as to why even when newly clean and sober and working a program of recovery, I would not be able to overcome the feelings and emotions that would lead me back to self-medication and relapse. The answers as to why I behave, react, feel and cope with life began to become clearer as well.
Acceptance: Due to the length and amount of my suffering, I was very fortunate to be able to accept my diagnosis from the start, but for some it may take time to come to terms with it. This however can be the hardest step to take but the most important one to achieve. I believe that once you have accepted your diagnosis you are more open to receiving the right help, treatment and care.
I felt all of these feelings, one after another, within minutes of receiving my diagnosis on top of the feelings and emotions I already had regarding my addiction.
The diagnostic process was difficult to cope with, as was the year long work to find the right medication for me. however it was and is essential for me to receive the correct treatment, education, understanding and care I need.
Once I was diagnosed, I begin treatment immediately and have remained on my medication continuously since as a break from treatment provides me with a ticket to crazy town and leave me vulnerable to relapse.
Bipolar disorder is treatable with the correct diagnosis. With that came the correct treatment, education and care as well as understanding of the need for various mood-stabilizing drugs but that is only one quarter of the work required to live a healthy life.
Having my mental health issues addressed and a treatment plan in place, I was then able to move onto confronting my addiction and building a life in recovery.
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