On a recent trip to back to California to visit family for the holidays, I instantly felt the pull to make up stories when asked, "how is Montana?"
I had to catch myself a few times about to embellish my story of living in Montana, trying to make it seem like I was living an episode of Yellowstone.
Why after all this time sober do I feel the need to do that? Because I don’t want to expose that I have struggled with the move, that being lonely and sad is a regular occurrence.
That being in a new place and having to develop new relationships is very isolating for an introverted person.
Or my hiding the fact that I am grieving the loss of my friend, because not seeing him at the bird club I used to work brought me to tears, because last thing you wanted to do show weakness and vulnerability amongst these men.
Even though they feel the same way but are unable to speak openly about it.
And I remembered “You ain’t gotta lie to kick it.”
This trip has been a real eye opener for me and an opportunity to continue dig deeper and process some old habits and traits as part of my continued step 7 work.
From my youth to even now, I have felt this need to hide my authentic self behind big stories or lies, to protect myself from feeling less than others.
And it was such a norm activity that I came to believe those lies as reality.
I struggled to find my place in the world, starting at a young age, as I was not encouraged to be more than I was; however, I clearly remember being told what I wasn’t.
My feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness had led me to lie and exaggerate my accomplishments to try to impress others, so as to prop up our deflated self-esteem.
I withheld what I needed from others and was unable to communicate my emotions.
My frustration of not being heard turned into anger whenever I did share my feelings with my family and significant others
In return I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and self-loathing.
That was a huge price to pay so others would accept and like me.
I become addicted to my story of the “broken man” who compromised his integrity because his voice and emotions were neglected by family and friends.
I used my victim story to serve as an excuse for my bad behavior and a continued case to drink and use.
And as addicts and alcoholics, we exaggerate the truth or simply tell lies about ourselves to better impress, hang out, or put on a false front of being well.
By working the 12 Steps and practicing being Honest, Openminded and Willing, I created a daily practice of living authentically.
Being authentic in the world today at times feels like walking naked down a busy city street.
It feels this way because authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency, and integrity to obtain.
Being authentic means that you act in ways that show your true self and how you feel, rather than showing people only a particular side of yourself.
That means to succeed in being authentic, you first have to know who your true self actually is.
Authenticity is about presence, living in the moment with conviction and confidence and staying true to yourself.
Today, I take care of my mind, body, and spirit and nurture a loving relationship with myself.
I look to those who already live authentically and notice a pattern of traits they master.
I found that being honest with yourself and with others, and taking responsibility for your mistakes, your values, ideals, and actions align.
As a result, you come across as genuine, and you're willing to accept the consequences of being true to what you consider to be right.
When you have nothing to hide and you can freely be yourself with everyone
My most important take away is "Don’t trade your authenticity for approval."
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